Internally critiquing the performances of the other guys in his Improv Over 40 workshop with great viciousness, but then totally choking when it’s his turn to do a scene with Rhonda from Toluca Lake
Researching the relative merits of Rogaine vs. Propecia in an incognito window
Buying a $75 hair straightener from a mall kiosk and then getting it home and scolding himself for buying yet another thing he doesn’t need from a mall kiosk
Bringing a 30-rack of Natty Ice to befriend the undergrads during homecoming weekend at his alma mater every single year
Singing along extra-loud to the “I’m a joker, I’m a toker, I’m a midnight smoker” line in that one goofy Steve Miller Band song
Subtly flexing his arm anytime a woman touches it for any reason
In the course of an hour, without realizing it, opening 17 tabs of Wikipedia articles about women being kidnapped, tortured, or murdered
Saying “earn this dollar” to a stripper while holding it just out of her reach in what he imagines is a flirtatious way
Eating peanut butter out of the jar while sitting on the toilet and reading his 401k statement
Losing a drunken fistfight in the Las Vegas Morimoto
Saying “I’m sorry, I just can’t taste the saffron. I need to be able to taste the saffron” to his server while sending his risotto back to the kitchen and then saying “see, that’s better” when she brings back the same risotto, untouched, and he tastes it
first published at Peach Mag
Rax King is a dog-loving, hedgehog-mothering, beer-swilling, gay and disabled sumbitch who occasionally writes and works as assistant editor for Sundress Publications. She is the author of the collection 'The People's Elbow: Thirty Recitatives on Rape and Wrestling' (Ursus Americanus, 2018). Her work can also be found in Catapult, Electric Literature, and Autostraddle.
