I’m turning 35 this month. That will have to do for excitement, which certainly hasn’t been coming from new movies right now. The film release schedule for 2020 is in a state of flux. That might be an understatement. The odds are good that at least one movie you were looking forward to seeing in the near future has been moved to a later date. A number of films have even been pushed to next year. That sucks.

However, and I’m not sure who needs or wants to hear this, things are completely bleak. At least on the cinema side of things, this is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for. No one’s going to judge you if you can’t meet your (probably) impossible standards for achievement during these trying times. It would still be a shame to go through this entire experience having only binged The Office four more times.

No judgment for that either, by the way. I’m leaning pretty heavily on MST3K and RiffTrax myself these days. It’s just also a great time to move in some different directions. Dig up those movies you loved 20 years ago, but haven’t seen since. Check out your grandmother’s favorite movie (unless it’s Gone with The Wind). Find at least a little time to watch something you never would have had the time for otherwise. You can even try a genre that’s relatively foreign to you. Why the hell not? You might be surprised.

It doesn’t have to be some somber, foreign arthouse classic. Unless that’s what you’re into. I’m speaking as broadly as possible. Beyond my suggestions here, the rest is entirely up to you. Let me know on Twitter how it works out.

The Jesus Rolls (2020): D+

A bad movie that’s just plain bad isn’t necessarily the whole story. It usually is, but there are a few surreal threads which serve to make The Jesus Rolls more than just another unsettling cinematic misfire. John Turturro is a good actor, one of the best character actors of all time. He has also proven to be a good director several times over the years. 

He doesn’t really get to prove either of those things with this extraordinarily unnecessary follow-up to the legendary Coen Brothers classic, The Big Lebowski. The story has Lebowski’s Jesus, freshly released from prison, hooking up with a friend (Bobby Cannavale, who’s kinetic enthusiasm can’t save this one) for what becomes a series of scarcely-connected misadventures and poor decisions. That’s the entire movie in a nutshell. Audrey Tautou has moments of being shockingly charming for the eccentric dirtbag she inhabits, but that’s also not enough. 

The Jesus Rolls, a remake of the 1974 French movie Going Places, has a lot going for it. That’s what ultimately keeps you going. Even if the movie descends into an exercise in testing your patience, you can’t look away from these very good actors committing whole-heartedly to this cringe-inducing bullshit. There is a weirdness to this movie that I think I sometimes actually wanted to at least admire.

I guess I do, particularly in the ridiculous way the movie explains away that one thing about The Jesus that we were all wondering about. You know what I’m talking about. 

In the end, nothing worth recommending about this movie really matters. If there’s an audience for this movie, it’s destined to be a small one. This is embarrassing. Fearless, but someone should have told Turturro that some dreams deserve to die.

Dumbo (2019): D-

Tim Burton’s 2019 Dumbo remake isn’t really for me.

Disney still wants us to believe that these are movies for the whole family to enjoy. To that end, I’m going to pretend I’m somewhere in the marketing considerations for Dumbo, which boasts a good cast and spots of visual appeal. These considerations can also be referred to as the creative heart and soul of this thoroughly soulless endeavor of assembling unwarranted live-action remakes of their animated classics.

More than that, Dumbo continues the trend of listless Tim Burton movies. Dumbo seems like a solid fit for the man, especially as it reteams him with such reliable actors as Eva Green, Alan Arkin, Michael Keaton, and Danny DeVito. Unfortunately, like most of his releases these days, the pieces don’t seem to come together in any meaningful, or even entertaining way. 

The basic story of a baby elephant with giant ears trying to get back to his mother is kept intact. The movie also decides to add more than an hour of additional material to the original 64-minute running time. The result is an expansive cast of characters, including Colin Ferrell as a war hero/former circus star and father to two impressively forgettable children, and vague stories that only serve to make the movie last longer than it needs to. The main story of a child trying to find its mother is watered down to the point of being something you almost forget is supposed to be the movie’s center.

To call this frustrating, particularly in the context of Burton’s currently-lackluster career, is inaccurate. This is just depressing, and I will die on the ridiculous hill of believing kids deserve better.

Stuber (2019): D+

As we continue with this unintentional-but-hey-why-not theme of Movies I Didn’t Really Like, I do wonder if it’s just that I’m being an asshole. I can’t deny a slight cynicism when I turn to movies I hope will be entertaining, and nothing more elaborate than that. Still, I don’t want these movies to suck. There is no joy for me in watching movies that aren’t at least engaging. I try to construct the litmus for that on a case-by-case basis.

So, for this buddy cop variant that teams a grim-faced cop (Dave Bautista) with a nebbish, clever, but extremely frustrated Uber driver (Kumail Nanjiani), my expectations were decidedly measured. You could see the chemistry the two shared in any given trailer. Would the writing measure up over a 90+-minute movie?

Apparently not. The movie is a series of very deliberate steps along the most well-worn of any path a buddy cop movie can take. Dave’s vengeance-craving cop is shockingly unlikable. Kumail’s Uber driver is thin, as hard as Nanjiani tries to mine the character for something at least a little deeper. Actresses like Mira Sorvino, Natalie Morales, and Karen Gillan are so efficiently wasted, you’re glad the movie is relatively short. These things stop bothering you, by the time you settle in for the indifferent climax. Bautista and Nanjiani are fun, but it’s just not enough.

Ma (2019): D+

Of all the “What the hell happened?” laments on botched potential this month, Ma might be the most annoying entry of them all. You couldn’t not get excited about this movie, when trailers first popped up. Octavia Spencer certainly seems like someone who could chew scenery, and still deliver the kind of performance that nags at your hope for a good night’s sleep. She does both of those things at times here, working once again with the decidedly hit-or-miss (mostly miss) writer/director Tate Taylor.

In fact, she does those things so well, I almost wonder if Tate Taylor, upon opting to tackle a script by Scotty Landes (which Taylor has a co-writing credit for) decided nothing else was really necessary. That includes even a single other character with something interesting to contribute or even say. You can also extend the thought to a script that feels like it just needs to get to its big scenes, and everything else will work itself out. 

It doesn’t. What could have been a fantastic story, about a mentally unwell single mother inserting herself into the lives of the children of those who humiliated her in high school, is just a series of moments with nothing that really ties them together. Unless you count clichés, I guess.

Jay and Silent Bob Reboot (2019): B-

I decided to review Jay and Silent Bob Reboot for two reasons. I wanted to end this month’s column on a positive note. I also wanted to close with an example of my expectations actually bet met. Particularly in the context of movies where those expectations are relatively minor, yet oddly specific.

In the case of Kevin Smith’s first View Askewniverse story since Clerks II in 2006, what I wanted was simple. I just wanted to visit with these characters for a little while. That’s it. I wanted to see how Jay and Silent Bob were doing (mostly fine), as well as anyone else writer/director Kevin Smith saw fit to check on. If the movie actually turned out to be enjoyable, all the better. 

And while I know some will vehemently disagree (for a supposedly irrelevant filmmaker, Smith’s detractors are often seemingly just as passionate as his fans), it was enjoyable. The novelty of seeing the movie fly through plot that is basically a reboot of 2001’s Jay and Silent Bob Strikes Back was enough to keep me chuckling from start to damn-near the finish. That surprised me just a little. 

Was it also the infectious enthusiasm that seems to steer Smith and company through what is really just a series of callbacks to earlier films? Perhaps. The movie also introduces Jay’s daughter (Harley Quinn Smith, who hits a pretty appealing rhythm for her character here), which lets Smith get in some sentimental stuff on parenting, the various wonders of life etc. Again, it really just depends on how well these movies, characters, and storytelling style have aged for you.

For me, they’ve aged well enough that I have to trade some credibility for them. That’s fine. I’ve always liked Kevin Smith, and I’ve almost always liked his movies. I’m glad he’s still making them, and I’m pleased that I’m still willing to follow them. Jay and Silent Bob Reboot isn’t a masterpiece, but it’s pleasingly aware of itself, and it doesn’t overstay its welcome.

Honestly, at least far as I’m concerned, it was also occasionally very funny and insightful. 

Smith hasn’t lost those gifts. He just doesn’t seem as stressed out about making sure other people feel like he’s making the most of them.

Gabriel Ricard writes, edits, and occasionally acts. His books Love and Quarters and Bondage Night are available through Moran Press, in addition to A Ludicrous Split (Alien Buddha Press) and Clouds of Hungry Dogs (Kleft Jaw Press). He is also a writer, performer, and producer with Belligerent Prom Queen Productions. He lives on a horrible place called Long Island.