1.

On previous visits, good parking had been easy to find. This time, nothing but problems. People are everywhere. And they’ve all got cameras. Within the hour, an entire planet is freaking out.

2.

Climbers at Everest are the first to see it. The giant orb, parked right over base camp, its window-like opening facing the peak. Some of the climbers record short, shaky videos; they use their sat-links to send them out.

3.

Relax, says the Captain. Enjoy the sights. It's a really small world. We have plenty of time.

4.

Still struggling with their new iPad, a climber’s wife confuses his texted attachment with Disney+. Without a care in the world, she goes to pick up her backordered INNUDEN. Quite a coincidence, her husband will later remark.

5.

I hope he’s happy, the First Officer complains. Now the schedule’s totally blown. Do we really have to stop at every stupid attraction? Highest this, longest that.... All we do is waste time and energy. The helmsman just nods, revs the engine.

6.

Up on the bridge, the Captain surveys the scene. The humans are panicking. Chaos at the IKEA thingy. Coordinates confirmed: it’s on top of the fuel cache. Of all the places, the Captain says, shaking his giant dome. This is gonna get messy…. No shit, Captain Obvious, the First Officer thinks. His superior’s not looking, so he rolls his eye.

7.

It begins with a colossal UFO in the sky. Next, a Swedish big box store suddenly vanishes. Poof. Into thin air. It’s hard to believe. "Fake news," exclaim millions, as they settle in for another evening with Hannity.

8.

They can’t catch a break. Stupid pyramids, right where they buried a crewmate (the careless, insubordinate idiot!) on that previous visit 5,000 years ago. But the orders are clear: retrieve the bones, bring them home. Inevitably, their mission grows messier.

9.

I told you to go before we left! Now we’re supposed to pull over? Can’t you hold it for even a century? The Captain’s annoyed. The head is busted, morale is low. The crew bickers and whines to the galaxy’s end.

10.

On the way down, did they not notice satellites? Signals? Other advances? Did they follow any of the protocols? We got distracted, they confess. The way the Earth was lit up. It was so damn beautiful.

11.

Before the debriefing, they had managed to agree: no need to mention the selfies, or the fight about tunes.

Mark Koepke lives in Whitehorse, Yukon.