Image courtesy Warner Bros.
Lucifer, which originally aired on Fox before being saved from cancellation by Netflix, is like surprisingly good popcorn. It’s a snack, sure, but a hearty snack with the right amount of butter, a bit of saltiness, maybe some other spices if you’re into that sort of thing. For a cop show, it has surprisingly nuanced views of sexuality (as in, the gay-baiting is pretty slick). Since the character of Lucifer (played by Tom Ellis) is the devil as depicted in Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman, it has that universe’s interesting postmodern take on divinity.
With my flavor of ADHD, I find comfort in re-watching shows & building my own tangential theories. As I re-watched Lucifer, I realized that he is SUCH A LEO. Always taking off his pants, being annoyingly extra, getting not only the last word but also most of the other words in a conversation, etc. It was Leo season, don’t judge me, we’re always thinking about ourselves, get over it!
Anyhooooo, that got me thinking about how the other characters in the show round out the Zodiac. It turns out that each sign has a Lucifarian avatar & the hideous characters are also the signs I mislike! Here, for your entertainment in this apocalyptic wasteland of a timeline, based off notes I took as a lark, I present The Zodiac of Lucifer:
Aries: The Goddess of All Creation (Tricia Helfer)
She has a PLAN & she’s going to destroy humanity with it. Look for her to bang everyone, destroy her family because she wants to reunite her family, & unleash celestial weapons upon an unsuspecting city to get her ex’s attention. She shoots gamma rays out of any wound. Mere humans will basically give her whatever she wants, from bomb-making materials to free rides across LA, as soon as she smiles at them. Finally, she achieves closure by relocating to an empty parallel universe where she can call all the shots.
Taurus: Amenadiel (D.B. Woodside)
If you like stubborn, you’ll like this dude. Notable qualities: really slow on the uptake, sneaky good in bed, consumes the most drinks at the illegal sex club while dancing terribly. On the other hand, he does defeat the hunter Remiel in single combat. Has the ability to slow time; uses it to avoid human contact. Sucks at improv & absconds to process his feelings as his mother is trying to unmake the universe. He has a good grasp of the finer things, like wearing a robe & enjoying a medium-rare steak.
Gemini: Dan Espinosa (Kevin Alejandro)
Nickname: Detective Douche. Key stats: Suspiciously high body count, suspiciously out-of-his-league sex life, eats a 6-pack of suspicious, murder-adjacent pudding daily. Voted least authentic smile. Hugs his wife, then meets up with a crooked cop WHO HE HAS ALREADY KILLED ONCE. Often seen facilitating threats on Lucifer’s life; also often seen rushing in too late to stop the same threats. Have I mentioned he is an admitted cop-killer? Still, he begrudges Lucifer’s drug use. Makes out with a forensics expert when she starts asking questions, then tears into her for letting him off the hook.
Cancer: Dr. Linda (Rachael Harris)
If she sees someone is upset, she invites them to sit & talk. Always fills the candy dish. Everyone abuses her boundaries to talk about their feelings because she literally knows everything about feelings. The first human to know divinity, she goes catatonic for one episode, then rebounds. In an alternate world she is a TV star but in this one she has an office with a seriously comfortable couch. Cries over motherhood. The only person in the world willing to bubble-wrap her ceiling fan in case her baby is born with wings. SNEAKY HOT.
Leo: Lucifer
Likely to make anything from a sandwich to a murder case all about him. Has too many lovers to fit in one police precinct for questioning; all of them satisfied, but none of them get attached. Knows how to turn gourds, small appliances, & seashells into sex toys. Have you seen his butt, though? Voted least self-reflective & wears a new suit every five seconds. He’s loud & distracted, but loyal unless he has an orgy to go to. Definitely pansexual, in the sitcom gay-baiting style. Loves a good fist-fight & will pour a scotch for his opponent afterwards. Satisfaction guaranteed!
Virgo: Chloe Decker (Lauren German)
So dedicated to her job, she reacts with confusion when asked about even having a social life. She clearly articulates her worries as a LIST. Totally the group member doing all the work. With the best closure rate in the department & a tendency to bring paperwork when invited to a tiki bar, she’s the only partner who can even hope to focus Lucifer’s wandering eye. She genuinely finds joy in reading to her daughter. Chloe could be a movie star but regards it as frivolous; she’d rather maintain ORDER & carry on her father’s LEGACY. Literally the good cop, she often talks about having a partner’s back & doing things the right way.
Libra: Ella Lopez (Aimee Garcia)
Oh my gosh, guys! Cute T-shirt game. Hugs everyone, then rates how well they hug back. Sweet but so good at the lab work, she is everyone’s office confidante while effortlessly completing all the crime scene swabbing. The Angel of Death Azrael loved her too much to kill her & even visits from time to time; meanwhile, her bunch of lousy brothers are probably only alive because of her. Oh, did someone mention drunks & dancing? *costume change* Be warned, she gets real messy when in Vegas.
Scorpio: Mazikeen (Lesley-Ann Brandt)
Often called Maze, she is 100% sex and also 100% murder. Between bounties, she’s giving knives to babies & teaching a child, Trixie, to stab. Probably has “forged in the bowels of hell” tattooed on her butt. Leather outfits for daaaaaays. She literally turns an angel into a sex fiend, then attempts to kill him post-coitus. Notice, though, her undying loyalty & defense of her friends. DO NOT make her angry. Her preferred foreplay is handcuffing herself to a cute suspect.
Sagittarius: Eve (Inbar Lavi)
A party girl since original sin. Sultry & bacchanal from her first scene (set to the perfect tune, Portishead’s “Glory Box”) she can be found in PVC dominatrix gear shouting for her subs to hydrate. Just when we thought the devil was turning soft, the worst influence ever arrives; he is immediately shot in the face because of her actions. She always shares the Molly, will make out with anyone. Uncanny capacity for sweetness & evil at the same time.
Capricorn: Marcus Pierce (Tom Welling)
Called by his last name, mostly aloof, Pierce doesn’t even bother to show up in some episodes during the season he’s in. Strengths: power moves, orchestrating unsolvable murders, leading a double-life of which his fiancé has no clue. The only thing that can kill him is falling in love. He is a total dom & has cult-like followers who vie for his affection. Can seduce a waitress by reading murder files stoically at a bar table. Will kill anyone who gets in his way and/or anyone who is expedient to a deal he has made with a human—though, of course, the human will end up on the wrong end of the deal. Deep-seated self-hatred churns underneath his weak AF smile.
Aquarius: God (voiced by Neil Gaiman, but will will be portrayed by Dennis Haysbert in season five)
The one time they are more than a voiceover, they are a magical belt-buckle that possesses an unsuspecting rich guy. They know everything that is ever going to happen but won’t say. To be fair, they sometimes drop enigmatic hints, but mostly they leave everyone on read. Pretty much everyone is fed up with their bullshit but still wants their love. They inspire ACTUAL cults.
Pisces: Charlotte Richards [Actual human version] (Tricia Helfer)
She has children who resent her for a period in her life when she was literally not in her own brain. Charlotte lives at least three iterations of herself, which are all delivered with complete conviction. She has evil & goodness in her, which erupt in bursts. She cries in the men's room, then takes down a murderer. Willing to sacrifice her body for a friend. Make-up is on point unless she’s crying about the absurdity of her existence. Even Gemini Dan realizes he should be emotionally honest when he’s around her.
As we conclude, please note that I did not include Trixie because she is a child who is still in her rising sign. Let her be!
Joey Gould, a non-binary writing tutor, wrote The Acute Avian Heart (2019, Lily Poetry Review). Twice nominated for Bettering American Poetry and once for a Pushcart Prize, Joey's work has appeared in Bad Pony, The Compassion Anthology, Memoir Mixtapes, & Molecule.