“Jesse, you asked me if I was in the meth business or the money business. Well, I'm also in the nutritious meals and tidy house business.” 

° 

“We’re done dusting these lampshades when I say we’re done.”

°

“If that’s true—if you don’t know who I am—then maybe your best course is to tread lightly on my freshly-shampooed carpets.”

°

“Stay out of my kitchen!”

°

“Doctor, there was no fugue state. More like a fudge state. The truth is, I couldn’t stand the thought of cleaning the house again. I just had to get out. So after stress eating through four pounds of chocolate walnut fudge at See’s Candies, I hitchhiked as far as Santa Fe, where I found myself in a Bed Bath & Beyond, gassy and disoriented, checking the thread count of fitted sheets. Then I realized it was time to get home to change the laundry.”   

°

“Jesse, I watched Jane die. I was there. I watched her overdose and choke, and then I revived her and said, ‘Young lady, you just barfed all over an expensive Persian rug. Who the hell’s going to clean up this mess? Dammit, do you think I’m your mother?’”

°

“My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico. 87104. This is my confession: I’m in love with my Dyson V-8 Absolute Cord-Free Vacuum. Life changing! Powerful and convenient. It’ll suck up just about anything: dog hair, Cheerios, bullet casings, blood, bone fragments, brain matter. Worth the investment. Five stars. I vacuum everything now!” 

°

“You clearly don’t know who you’re talking to, lady, so let me clue you in. I am the danger in this library. An ill-mannered little boy in a poopy diaper—your greedy son—yanks a book from my daughter’s hands. No! I am the one who checks out that book about Jack and his magic beanstalk!”

°  

“Look, Skyler, I just haven’t quite been myself lately, not since staying home with Holly. It’s all the cooking and the cleaning and the boredom eating. And who has time to get down to the gym? So right now, what I need from you is to tell me if these slim-fit Dockers make me look fat. Can you do that? Will you do that for me, honey? Will you please just tell me if these pants make my ass look huge? You know, I’d appreciate it. I really would.”   

°  

Walter White: You know exactly who I am. Say my name.

Declan: Do what? I don't have a damn clue who you are.

Walter White: Yes, you do. I'm the cook, the cleaner, the chauffer, the event planner, the dude who scoops the dog shit in the backyard. I'm the man who made that awesome shrimp paella for Gus Fring and then cleaned his kitchen until it sparkled. You getting the picture?

Declan: Bullshit. Merry Maids cleaned Fring’s kitchen.

Walter White: You sure? 

Declan: Okay, I get it.

Walter White: Now say my name.

Declan: Super Sexy Stay-at-Home Dad.

Walter White: You're goddamn right.

Ryan Shoemaker’s debut story collection, Beyond the Lights, is available through No Record Press. T.C. Boyle called it a collection that “moves effortlessly from brilliant comedic pieces to stories of deep emotional resonance.” Ryan’s fiction has appeared in Gulf Stream, Santa Monica Review, Booth, Juked, and Silk Road Review, among others. Currently, he is Visiting Professor of English at Southern Utah University. Find him at RyanShoemaker.net.