Photo by Andrew Bowyer on Unsplash
On the twenty-year anniversary
of their marooning, the gang embarks on
a commemorative “three-hour tour,” only
to be—surprise—marooned again, on another
deserted island. This time, the cast has
many more resources at their fingertips.
The Minnow II and its Skipper—Brian
Dennehy—still at the helm, has a fax,
PC, missiles. The Professor—Willem
Dafoe—has his scientific instruments
on board, since he was planning to conduct
tsi-tsi fly experiments during the voyage.
Mr. and Mrs. Howell—Glenn Close and
(consider his Republican repertoire,
that resemblance to mother-Rebel w/o a cause)
James Spader—have on board their
most decadent bourgeoise fineries.
The Howells do not last long on the island.
The morning after the boat's marooning
the Howells are nowhere to be found.
The Skipper and the Professor search and
find both Howells brutally beaten and
eviscerated on the other side
of the island. The bodies are dragged back
to the encampment for burial. In a slow
dolly shot to close-up, we see Gilligan—
fidgety, nervous, sweating, played inimitably
by Crispin Glover. Cut to Gilligan
the next morning, bamboo spatula in hand,
botches breakfast in the Minnow II’s galley,
coconut pancakes fly through the air, canned
laughter. Cut to the Professor’s lab where
a forensic investigation begins.
Willem’s slow burn looks work well
as the Professor conducts an autopsy
with a saw made from palm tree and boat parts.
Gilligan is dispatched to find the murderers—
we can unleash Crispin, really let him go on this one—
and sets out on his way, dazed and saddened.
For comic relief, we have Gilligan and Brian Dennehy
(we can get Nick Nolte if it gets physical)
fall out of the rowboat, the familiar theme sung
by a solo single by Eddie Vedder.
Meanwhile, Ginger (Brigit Fonda) and
Mary Ann (Winona Ryder) pick flowers
for the Howells’ funeral. On the beach
they reflect on the Howells’ quirks, place
orchids in each other’s hair. Ginger and Mary Ann
rediscover their fascination with each other.
Their discussion, unbridled by the mainland's
constricting morality; their lust
for each other has now flowered
into a full-blown lesbian relationship.
Suddenly, an island native—and we can pump
him up for this one—Wesley Snipes,
scans down the lovers, waves his hands
desperately. He tells the girls that during
a tribal meeting the previous night, he witnessed
a man traversing the strait between
the two islands, behind the Howells on
their midnight stroll. A man with a red shirt
and goofy hat, Snipes says. He also held
a shiny, well-sharpened boat propeller.
Ginger and Mary Ann hold hands, stare close
into each other’s eyes, trying
not to face the reality they must face:
Gilligan, the inept, accident-prone first mate
of the S.S. Minnow and Minnow II, had
turned into one of California’s most
sought-after mass murderers, a brutal killer
who only killed people who were similar to those
castaways he spent those many years with
on the island, a place where he was
relegated to the role of jester (and we could do
John Turturro for Gilligan). We establish
the Skipper’s co-dependent relationship
in montage (awww, little buddy,
lemme help ya buddy). Gilligan has snapped.
After decades of communal isolation,
even more unfit than ever for
normal society. Gilligan experiences
frequent blackouts, intense depression,
mania only the Skipper could comfort
him (It’s o.k., little buddy.)
Gilligan’s tired of the Skipper’s tired act.
During blackouts over the years, Gilligan
had been making unscheduled return trips
to the original island, where, mysteriously,
the population has been steadily
diminishing. The Professor, who has been
studying wildlife ever since the rescue,
is baffled by the inexplicable disappearances.
Gilligan’s blood-lust grows; it is unquenchable.
Act Three’s reveal: the Professor had arranged
a second shipwreck to set a trap. He spends
hours going over tapes of local news,
police wheeling headless bodies of victims
of the “Honolulu Red-Shirted Manhunter.”
With the Howells’ vivisection the Professor
now knows Gilligan is the killer.
The final conflict between Crispin and Willem starts
as an Arriflex shot over the tropic island nest
before at the Howells’ funeral. The weather
starts to get rough as the Professor
leaps on Gilligan’s just off the beach as
the Skipper begins his bumbling yet
moving eulogy that had taken him
all night to write by hammock light.
Cut to Willem’s red face, Gilligan’s hands
strangle him over the camera’s shoulder
Just below the funeral barge. Gilligan stops.
The Professor sits up to see Wesley, his spear
thrown through Gilligan’s red shirt.
Crispin stares sightlessly at Wesley.
Blood seeps through the slats of the Howells’
funeral barge. Gilligan yanks the spear
from his torso, stands and breaks off
the barge’s hand rail. The Skipper insults
Gilligan’s clumsiness. Ginger and Mary Ann
scream, hold on to each other in black hula skirts.
The last shot set to Eddie Vedder’s voice lands
on the dead-eyed smile of finally dead Gilligan.
This poem was written in 1990 on a now-ancient Brother WP-760D Word Processor and only recently rediscovered on a 3.5 inch floppy disk. This explains the fictional pitch to Stanley Kubrick, who died in 1999, and the casting of Brian Dennehy, who died in 2020, as well as the rather infantile cis-male fixation on Ginger and Mary Ann hooking up.
Kevin DiNovis’s first feature film, Surrender Dorothy (1998), won multiple awards, including the Grand Jury prize for Best Feature at the Slamdance, Chicago Underground, and New York Underground Film Festivals. His other films include Death & Texas (2004), a satire about the execution of a beloved American football hero starring Charles Durning, Steve Harris, Mary Kay Place, and Billy Ray Cyrus. In 2009, DiNovis was the first writer selected to inaugurate Marvel Studio’s Writers Program. In addition to adapting two features and one short subject for the celebrated MCU, DiNovis participated in an uncredited dialogue polish of the script for Thor. Currently, DiNovis teaches screenwriting in the Producing and Filmmaking Departments of the New York Film Academy.
Daniel Nester is the author most recently of Shader: 99 Notes on Car Washes, Making Out in Church, Grief, and Other Unlearnable Subjects. His previous books include How to Be Inappropriate (Soft Skull, 2010), God Save My Queen I and II, and The Incredible Sestina Anthology, which he edited. His writing has appeared in the New York Times, Buzzfeed, The Atlantic, The American Poetry Review, and the Poetry Foundation website, and collected in Best American Poetry, Third Rail: The Poetry of Rock and Roll, and Now Write! Nonfiction. He is associate professor of English at The College of Saint Rose in Albany, NY.